Holding it all in

It feels so odd to be working all day with people who don't know. Nice people. Gently curious, unassuming people.

I am ordinarily a very open person, not shy or reticent in the least. But I am holding back. Holding my history, my love, my loss inside. I've got that pressurized feeling that comes on when it's been too long since I've really cried, that tender feeling inside that feels like standing on the brink. It's deeply personal information, but it's oh so relevant to who I am and how I react to situations and conversations. How to share? When?

In many ways I do not want to open up, don't want to be the object of awkward sympathy or worse, indifference. And yet conversations about children come up all the time. I was talking about real estate with a new coworker. He asked if we had children. I said no (that no is such a loaded one), and he asked if we were planning to have any soon. I just shrugged. I felt pretty good about that shrug, much better than tears. Still, I can see people lumping me into that "not a parent, wouldn't understand" category as they talk about the love they have for their kids, their fear of babysitters, whatever.

At this point I am planning to keep it to myself until/if I get pregnant again. At that point I think I'd have to make it clear that it wasn't my first just to fend off stupid or irritating conversations.

What do you think? How have you handled this kind of situation when you've encountered new friends or coworkers? How did you decide to talk about your loss or not? How long did you wait?

On another note, Boston is great. The move went really smoothly and we're feeling fairly settled in to our new place. So far, it seems like the right decision to move here.