It’s been talked about many times on babylost blogs, but I can’t help but mention how weird it is to have a good time. My husband and I went away together last weekend, the kind of romantic, fun weekend away for just the two of us that we certainly wouldn’t be having right now if Colden were 13 months old. We went to a cozy bed and breakfast, sought out some new brew pubs and tasted beers, and went cross country skiing both days. In the moment I was able to enjoy it, a lot even. The what ifs didn’t cross my mind often, and for that I am glad because living in that world is fairly pointless.
So why do I feel guilty this week? It’s certainly not rational— it’s not as though I would have chosen this scenario on purpose. But this week I’m thinking about it, about how I can be out there having such a genuinely good time. If you’re hoping for a break through here or some truly insightful thinking, you might want to look elsewhere. I have nothing to offer in that department. In fact, that bin is regularly out of stock.
I do know that if I were my friend offering me advice I’d say to go easier on myself. Grief is unpredictable and there are some days or hours of fun and smiles and others when you just can’t force it. But it’s a strange bi-product of grief that feeling good makes me feel bad.
I want to tell them
9 years ago
I understand. It is definitely weird being out and having fun and feeling like everything is okay when you're hurting so much inside. I wish I had something insightful to say, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Don't beat yourself up too much. Just know you're allowed to have fun and having fun doesn't mean you are forgetting. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI get it, I do. I don't know the reason why, but definitely feel the same at times.
ReplyDeleteI think what most people don't understand about grief is the questioning, of even the most basic of feelings, like having fun. It seems like a no brainer to someone who is not grieving, but everything becomes so damned complicated, even happiness, even joy, even fun. Sending you much love and wishing you more fun. XO
ReplyDeleteYep, I know. No insights or answers here either, just nodding along with this post. You're undersood.
ReplyDeleteWith love.
I think that having fun together, renewing the romance, is a very important part in healing and rebuilding your strength as a couple. Don't feel guilty about it, you'll need that strength on the bad days, and they will rear their heads all in good time.
ReplyDelete