I've been looking for a new job in a new area and the search has been a good distraction for the last two months. Now I seem to be getting closer to an offer, a decision, a move, and I wonder how I will be able to handle it all. Colden's room is still shut tight. I wonder what I'll do with all of that stuff. Move it with hope in my heart even though we haven't even decided to start trying for another baby? Get rid of it all and start fresh? I wonder how I will handle sadness amongst a new group of coworkers. My workplace may be utterly disfunctional, but I know its disfunction and it knows me. My coworkers understand me pretty well and excuse my snappish behavior on occassion. It's exhausting to even think about these issues and yet they swirl through my mind most of the time.
My friends, also know as the people I used to think were my friends, I wonder if any of them will remember Colden's anniversary. I doubt it. That will strengthen my resolve to no longer think of them as friends. Now I waver, make excuses for them, feel needy and otherwise turn inward. I fantasize about moving away without mentioning it to anyone. One day, months from now, they'll call me and I'll say, oh, I didn't realize you didn't know yet.
I went for my final pre-conception visit to the perinatologist today. I had put it off for months and months. We discussed chromosomes. No problems there on either side. Final cause is still infection. The doctor, a new one, asked me why we weren't trying again yet. I'm lucky enough to have an answer to what happened to Colden and it's unlikely (how unlikely they have no idea) to happen again. Why can't I move on, at least in this one way? I don't know. I feel mute, fake, incoherent even with those who try to understand and help me.
Unrelated tragedies have been eating at me lately. Other babylost moms who can't get pregnant again even though they'd be fabulous parents, four cops in a coffee shop shot dead on a quiet Sunday morning, a caver with a young baby and one on the way killed in an accident, my grandfather's diagnosis of agressive prostate cancer. Each one hits so hard. I imagine the pain too vividly, put myself there. I ache for them all.
As I try and write this, try to explain myself to myself, I am sobbing on the couch. It could have happened yesterday. It can't have been nearly a year. I don't want to have survived that long without him.
I want to tell them
10 years ago
I understand many of your thoughts about moving. My husband and I have been struggling with the same things. It isn't like I always want to be the woman with the dead baby but I can't imagine being someplace where people don't know that as it is so much a part of who I am and what I think about all the time. In any case, I understand and I hope you find some peace with your decision, whatever it may be.
ReplyDeleteMolly, first of all I wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you. In fact I stopped by your blog the other day in hopes that maybe I just wasn't getting the feed for your updates. I just went through my year with Calvin and I'll tell you, the guilt and the anticipation of the day was much worse than the actual day itself. I had those exact feelings, how could I live without my son for a year? In any case, a fresh start where everyone doesn't know your history might be good, you may not have people asking when you're going to try again. On the other hand, you may not be treated as compassionately by coworkers who don't know about Colden. I think you're very brave to consider a change. You've been very missed. Hugging you
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) to you, big time. I'm sorry you're having this hard time right now...I remember going through lots of lows like this one. Yes, there's lots of sorrow in the world, and you're probably more aware of it now than ever. And yes, some of your friends won't remember. Hurts and sucks. Hang in there, dude.
ReplyDeleteOh Molly, the weeks leading up to that one year mark are so very specially difficult, too much to take. Although the how may change, Colden will always always be with you no matter where you live or who you are surrounded by. And something tells me you will find a way for new coworkers to know his story, when it feels comfortable for you.
ReplyDeleteYou don't owe anyone explanations as to why you aren't ttc. Getting pregnant is such a leap of faith, with or without a loss like ours. I think Colden will let you know when the time is right to make that giant step.
Much love to you as you maneuver this leg of the journey.
Oh, and now over 15 months out, I still don't know what to do with the "friends" who have been less than present since Ezra left.
ReplyDeletemolly, you are my hero. This whole job thing, JFC I can't even imagine. The thoughts that you are having (yes, disfunction, but MY disfunction) have paralyzed me into inaction. You fought through that and now look, real options are emerging in front of you. None of them easy, none of them not scary, but there is possibility.
ReplyDeleteAs for other possibilities, just as ezra's mom said, there is no rush, there is no need to do anything until you feel that something is right. Sometimes jumping in is the hardest part. For us, I know, that fear of failing (again) is once again nearly paralyzing. But I think the end result just might be worth it.
And your last lines, Molly, yes. I so get that. And I am so sorry.
Thinking about you as the one year mark approaches, Molly. It felt to me like a year was supposed to be this huge chunk of time, but it's not. It's not very much time at all when dealing with deep grief.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I still feel like it could have happened yesterday too.
ReplyDeleteLike m, I really admire you for even starting a job hunt and for opening up all those options for yourself. I hope you reach a decision that you are happy with. It must be a very difficult one to make.
Thinking of you and Colden. xo
Thinking of you & Colden as your one-year mark approaches. I'm glad to hear you've been uber-distracted and also glad that you're making a job change. I wish I did the same - the first year after we lost Kara, I felt like I was hovering outside of myself somewhere - just watching my body go through the motions. I still have days like that (it's been 18 months for me) but more okay days than bad days now. WIshing you some peace in the weeks ahead.
ReplyDeletexxoo
I think what was so hard about the preconception meeting is when they tell you you have the same odds as before of losing your child. Not increased. Just the same. How discomforting. Changing jobs. Recognizing people's limitations with your loss. It all seems too much. I feel stymied in the same ways as I approach a year with fantasies of running off and not leaving a forwarding address. Just seems like I will carry my heaviest burdens with me, and that is so overwhelming. With love.
ReplyDeletethinking of you molly. its all so unfair and so tough to comprehend. all of it.
ReplyDeletethe days leading to the year anniversary are almost harder then the day itself. now a year and a few months out, i am finding it easier to forget about those who weren't there for us and focus on the ones who are. they are so much more important and better worth our energy.
here's to 2010 being a better year all around
xoxo
hey Molly, no words, just a big hug. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeletexx Ines
I relate to so much of what youve written here. I too fantasize about moving away from here and everyone. I really hope someone remembers your sweet angles anniversary. Its so much easier when your not remembering alone. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteMolly,
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by over at my place. I know the 1 year anniversary can be so confusing. I ahted all of the pressure i felt to do something special when really all I wanted to do was hide away.
No matter what happens, if you move, change jobs, have another baby, Colden will stay with you. I suppose that is the 'bonus' of a db, they travel so well...sighs. He will always be where you need him to be, in your heart.
I'm so sorry the preconcep mtg couldn't offer you more security. I know, for me, getting pg after, I just had to close my eyes and leap. I couldn't think about the process, the pg too much, I just had to focus on the end, the live baby I wanted so badly. It was the scariest thing I ever did, truly, but SO worth it. I can't blow sunshine up your nether parts and promise you it will all be ok, but I can tell you, when you do decide, you WILL be able to do it. Absolutely.
xxoo
kalakly
Molly,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog last night and I'm so sorry Colden isn't here with you. I read all your entries last night and it's like you were inside my head at times.
I've found myself telling someone 'it's ok' after telling them Matilda died and they start apologising.
It's just over 6 weeks since Matilda died and I've already read at least 20 books on grief and losing babies. I have this irrational idea that I can 'do a good job of grief' and get through it quicker. Not that it seems to be working - I've spent today crying and then looking into space.
I've been obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant again since losing Matilda. But yesterday we went to the ob for our 6 week check-up and she's happy for us to not use contraception already. So now it's real I can try again I'm not sure if the desparation outweighs the fear but I'm also scared of the fear getting worse as time goes on.
Last night I was reading yours and others blogs with this weird sort of detachment and then it hit me again, I am part of this club no one wants to belong too. I have lost a baby. And that's going to be my reality forever - I think that's what scares me the most.
So I'm commenting with no answers, just hope that 2010 will be better for all of us. And thanks for allowing me to not feel so alone temporarily.
Maddie x
Forgot to say, your post about scattering Colden's ashes was incrediably moving. He's lucky to have the wonderful parents he does.
ReplyDeleteHi, Molly - I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and Colden today and tomorrow. Wishing you peace and sending love.
ReplyDelete