I've packed up Colden's room, and I gave away most of the big baby things on freecycle. The basinette, the crib, the high chair, the changing table, toys and dolls, all gone. My mom offered to come and do it for me, but in the end I wanted to do it myself. I fondled the tiny baby clothes that I had pictured him wearing and tucked all the books I had bought him into a box. I think I made some expectant mothers very happy with these donations, but it's so wierd to walk by his room and see the door open when it's been closed for more than a year. Then I peer in and it's barren and empty.
Most of these items were hand me downs to me anyway and we don't have that much storage in our new place in Boston. And it seemed ridiculously hopeful and jinxing to move it all anyway. We've only rented this place through August so we'll move again before we could ever have another baby. I did keep a few items though, a few boxes that we'll be taking with us in a week and a half when we pick up and move. I wonder when and if I'll open these boxes. It's hard to picture the future and what it might be like.
Years ago I picked up the habit of jumping into the new year. We stand up on the couch or chair, hold hands, and try to jump off at just the right instant so that we're actually in the air at the stroke of midnight. Most of the time we have no idea exactly when midnight is, but I like the gesture of it, like the symbolism of jumping into the newness of a fresh year together.
I can't decide if moving and starting over is fundamentally a hopeful gesture that the future will be brighter or if it's really just about running away, avoiding the here and now. Either way, I'm happy to see the end of 2009 and be jumping into something new.
I want to tell them
9 years ago
You're not running away. If you were running away, you wouldn't be dealing with your loss, and you are.
ReplyDeleteYou're strong, Molly. And your decision to move and make a different/new/better/whatever life for your family doesn't look a thing like running away to me.
I can only try to imagine how hard the packing of Coldens things must have been. We never got to that point. We had everything but hadn't taken it out yet and so the only things to put away for me were the maternity clothes that I threw at my husband and told him to make sure I never saw them again.
ReplyDeleteI hope the move goes well and that with the new surroundings you find peace and hope. It's not running away, it's starting fresh. And there is nothing weak about that. It is, to me, full of strength and courage.
And, I love your jumping tradition. Just the image of it is beautiful.
xxoo
Hoping 2010 is your year Molly. I too am glad to see this year go, it's been a painful year. Getting rid of Colden's things must have been difficult at best, I can't imagine being able to do that. Hopefully when you jump into the New Year, you'll be jumping into a year of positive change and new beginnings. I wish that for you. Sending you hugs
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of jumping into the new year. I cannot even imagine what going through Colden's things was like a year, almost to the week, of his birth. In some ways, I think those kinds of rituals are so necessary and cathartic, especially as you move to a new city, life, job and future. I actually do think your move is a fundamentally hopeful thing, because if you had run away, you would have done it long ago. You spent a year grieving, sitting still with your loss, and reconciling the reality with your images of the future. Now, as a woman of action, you are making a new future. That is optimistic in my mind. XO
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. You are a brave woman to go through his things and I cannot imagine the emotions.
ReplyDeleteWe too are considering moving. Some of it may be running away but for us a lot of it is allowing ourselves to live. This is the land of the dreams that cannot be fulfilled for us and no matter what we do or try it will never hold the promise it once had. I think moving will help us realize that there are new dreams out there for us and we need to embrace it. I would love to be moving to Boston!
I hope that as you jump into the new year new and great things come to you. Best wishes on the move.
Thinking of you, Molly. Packing up Colden's room was a brave thing to do, and a step forward, but my heart aches to think of you shouldering such a hard project.
ReplyDeleteI hope the new year you jump into is kind, and hopeful, and healing.
I loved the image of you jumping into a new year too. I hope 2010 brings good things to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Molly. Packing away Colden's things must have been so heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are running away. To me it looks like hope. And hope takes courage.
I hope that you jumped into a year full of peace and happiness xo
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you, we, some of us, have to go through that exact thing. It's such a hard, hard thing that a lot of people will never know. Good for you for taking that courageous step toward...I don't know. Something. Agreeing with Catherine: hope, perhaps? Inner light?
ReplyDelete((Hugs)). I can imagine (actually I really can) what that must have felt like.