My talents have generally been academic in nature. No one wants to be around me if I'm in the mood to sing--tone deaf doesn't even begin to describe it, but school came really easily to me. So easily that I slacked off a lot. 100s on the tests, 0s on homework generally averaged to Bs and Cs through most of HS. It wasn't until college that I got it together and "lived up to my potential" as my parents were constantly pestering me to do. There I still didn't really study much. I could easily look at the syllabus, skim the book, cram some for the test, and just quickly get what it takes to get the A.
I guess I never realized how much that drive to find the quick way has influenced my life philosophy even beyond my school days until last night, when Brendan and I went to our second SHARE support group meeting. It was a much smaller group this time. They're all sweet, comforting, and real, but I felt a little uncomfortable. Brendan was the only guy and all of the women were much farther out from their losses, from two to eighteen years ago. It scares me to see how actively and deeply they are still grieving. I love Colden beyond words, but I can't have him back so I don't want to spend the rest of my life sad. It's too damn exhausting.
When I'm around these women I feel like I'm staring at my future and it looks grim. I guess I'm looking for the shortcut, the quick A. Why can't I ace grief and be done with it? Maybe that's why I've so quickly read multiple books, gone to so many blogs, looked ahead to see what I might have to deal with at 6 months, 1 year, 5 years out. But this is one class where being ahead with the material doesn't to seem help at all. All of the issues that we talked about at the group last night, I've already read about and considered, but it doesn't seem to help. I still have to feel it. This is one class where being ahead with the material doesn't seem to help at all.
I want to tell them
9 years ago
I hear you, Molly. I used to find comfort in reading baby loss blogs because it meant that moms like me survived and more than survived, and I needed the reassurance of that.
ReplyDeleteNow reading them also reminds me of what I already know - I've got years of grief ahead of me. Some things get better, and I cling to that, and to the hope that while I'll be sad for a long, long time, I won't be *only* sad.
Molly I can totally relate with this post. I too am seeking healing wherever I can find it. I thought maybe I would find a feeling of understanding, of truth at the Compassionate Friends Society. When I went, the leader of our local chapter is twenty-five years post-loss, and I felt myself thinking, "Oh God, is this where I'll be in twenty-five years, still needing my loss validated?" I found it depressing and completely devastating. I don't want Calvin's loss to define me and I too am well aware of the steps ahead in my grieving, however I am impatient with my progress, wanting to be past the sadness already when it's only been five months. It's sad, and I feel for you and for me and for all the other babylost mothers who need to do what we do to feel we are not alone. Rest assured, you are not the only one feeling like you don't want to be feeling sad all the time, I'm there with you. Huge Hugs
ReplyDeleteWe went to a support group for 5 sessions (once a month) but didn't find much support or connection there...I found so much more in our online babylost community
ReplyDeleteOh WOW, Molly. This is *exactly* how I feel. This is hard and it's nasty and I want it done already ... and it can't be.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why I only went to one support group meeting. I find more support here, online. Its easier to hide behind my lap top screen, on my couch.
ReplyDeleteMolly, I think I know what you mean. I've also always been one for a short cut, reading the syllabus seems to ring a bell with me!
ReplyDeleteI remember wishing that I could just run away from her death, from it all, that I didn't HAVE to live with it for the rest of my life. I felt so trapped. I found it so frustrating that even when the stages of grief had been described to me for what felt like the hundredth time and I knew academically what was coming, I still couldn't skip any of them.
As Erica puts it so beautifully, already I am not only sad. There is a bit of room to move around it.
I hope the SHARE group turns out to be useful.
we went to a few support group meetings but also felt this online support is better for us. i hate looking at my future and seeing the sadness and pain still there. I try so hard to stay present but its almost impossible. i too wish we could just ace this test, and get it all over with quickly but here i am at almost 7 months and most days i feel worse.
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry molly. we're all here with you to get through this. maybe because of this community, we will heal in a different way then those that went through it 25 years ago who didn't have this resource. i have to believe it won't be this painful forever. xo